Happy March and Happy Birthday Month to me
I know I was planning on interviewing a few friends who have been going through their own weight loss journeys but February was super busy and got away from me so instead I will be covering something that I have dealing with that I call, “fat girl brain”. (I apologize if that is offensive but that is what I call it.)
I have lost 50+ pounds, over the last four almost five years, and my mind, body, and spirit have changed immensely. I have become more outgoing and confident but even with all the changes I still find it hard to believe that my body is mine and how far I have come. Don’t get me wrong I know that I look good and I have friends and family who always remind but I can be very critical of myself. I have struggled with body image issues and eating disorders (from not eating to trying to see how long I could go without eating to considering eating but making myself vomit afterwards) for as long as I can remember. I haven’t had those urges in a while, thankfully, but I know that is something that I need to keep in mind when I start to get down on myself. Ever so often I will have the “fat girl brain” thoughts of, “You need to go workout, you can’t skip a day, Memorial Day is in eleven weeks”, the pressure to be thin rather than to be healthy, and when I feel like nothing looks good on me because I’m still fat (mind you everything I own is either too big or I never wear it).
One of the best and hardest things about being on this journey is that I have loved ones who are also on their own weight loss journey and I am rooting for them and excited for their success but it usually makes me feel like I am not doing enough or trying hard when I see them getting better results than me. I also follow a multitude of fitness people and plus size models/youtubers on instagram and I continue to see; what workout they try or how they wear different outfits (and look amazing) and I like all of their photos but then think to myself that I could never pull that off. Then I start to ask myself why am I supportive of others but critical on myself? (Again this isn’t all the time but I have bad days here and there.) I decided to weigh myself this month and as I have stated before I do NOT weigh myself. I think seeing a number on a scale can be mentally and emotionally draining, especially when you think that you have made such a big change and the number doesn’t match your mentality. I weighed myself on Feb. 9 (thank you Fitbit App) and the scale spat back 220 pounds. I weighed myself during a workout and it immediately made me sad, angry, and frustrated to the point where I left the gym. (I think this is why I have decided to do side by side comparison photos instead of keeping track of my weight.) I felt pretty crappy all day but luckily I was talking to my friend, Cristina, about it and she told me, “Your weight is the least interesting thing about you.” Sometimes I need that support and redirection to remind me that this journey is mine and it’s not going to be the same as everyone else’s.
I say things to myself that I would never say to someone else, as evidenced in this video that always makes me cry. I have been making strides in trying to be more supportive of myself and focus on how to be the best version of me and not to compete with others.
WHAT I DID THIS MONTH:
First things first I got my Fitbit Blaze and I love it so much. I have noticed that I am more motivated to be active and get my steps in, especially because you can have step count competitions with your friends through the app.
I was also taught a new sport, Pickleball, thanks to my friend TJ and his family. We have played at least twice a week for the last few weeks and taught other friends how to play too which also helps to hold us accountable and motivated.
NEXT MONTH’ TOPIC:
My topic for next month is to talk about words from your supporters that may be doing more harm than good.
Follow me on Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter : @Brionajenee
Hashtags: #LoseTheLBsWithBri and #WeChangeToImproveNotToImpress