On February 25, I decided to take a break from social media until further notice.
I found that societal pressures were weighing on my mental health and as a way of combatting that I took the healthy steps of getting back to me. I found that I was comparing myself to others which really started to weight on how I felt about myself and that is not the type of person I am.
Weight is a very triggering topic for me. It is something that I have struggled with since I was 12 years old growing up in a predominately white place in the middle to late 90s where I knew that being white and thin was the standard for beauty and I knew that if I could not be white I could at least be thin. But alas no.
I have been on almost every diet imaginable since I was 12, to my mother’s chagrin. When she passed in Feb 2006 I became anorexic and lost about 30 pounds in a month. I then started seeing therapists which helped. Fast forward to my senior year of college. I graduated and that summer I was chasing around my three year old nephew and I realized that I couldn’t keep up. I knew that at 23 if I didn’t lose weight I would die and never get to see him grow up. I lost fifty pounds that summer and over the last few years my weight has fluctuated but I have gotten to a place where I love myself and the number on the scale is the least interesting thing about me.
All this to be said that two of my girl friends started to have the “well I used to be fat” convo. Which I hate because we are so much more than our outward appearance but they started saying how gross their large arms were, and how this was their heaviest and how disgusting they were. Well I am heavier than both of their heaviest weights and my arms though muscular are large. Although their words were not directed at me, I still was very triggered. I have been dieting since the beginning of this year, I purchased a new scale (which was not a proper thing for me), and I have worked out (almost) every week day morning and have only lost about five pounds. (Also, this isn’t about my friends, I spoke to them afterwards and everything is fine.)
Since that night I had felt that I am disgusting, thought “how dare I think I am worthy of love when I look the way I look”, and that “if I start starving myself again I could lose the 30 pounds again”. As I person who suffers from anxiety and depression I have learned proper coping skills and I am currently working on a plan to help myself heal.
So I am really focusing on being healthy and positive, showing myself some grace, and loving myself as much as I love others.
I took a break from social media because I was not in the space to see the thin/ healthy bodies that I want, the constant workout videos, and the before and after pictures that I may never experience.